people act like spiritual healing is sitting on a mexican blanket, meditating perfectly and smiling serenely. some people seem to think spiritual healing happens all at once: you’re in therapy for a few months, or you go on a yoga retreat, or you quit that job you hate.
maybe it is like that for some people.
but for me, it’s uncovering layer after layer of guilt, shame, dualistic thinking, and self-hatred. just when i think i’m done, that i’m in a good place, another layer needs to be peeled off. for me, it’s pulling into my driveway after a night out with friends, putting my head on the steering wheel, and sobbing. it’s a heart rate that’s... pretty fucking high, all the time. it’s never sleeping a full night unless i’m heavily medicated with things humans aren’t supposed to be taking long term. it’s having no emotions all day and then rage and despair pouring out of you at night. every night.
i know this will pass. i know i just need to move through it. i know i need to breathe and call my therapist and pet my cat and i should eat six bunches of kale and “just take Vitamin D!” i know. i’m trying. i swear to God, i’m trying. .
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